How do I communicate with this kid? Season 1 Episode 24

How do I communicate with this kid?

How to communicate with your children.

Are you talking to your child or talking at your child?

Matt. 15:18 “Those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart”

• What is in your heart toward you children?

• What are you thinking when you talk to your children?

• Is it of the purest intent?

“ “our expressions, our voice tones, our movements, our thoughts betray us”….“Our actions and words communicate who we are, how we feel about things, and what we have become.  Even the refusal to talk sends a message to others, though the message may or may not be accurately understood” ”

— Pres. Spencer W. Kimball

Some of the common communication practices that drive children away:

1. Lecturing

2. Interrogating

3. Discounting

4. Placating

5. Judging

6. Blaming

7. Criticizing

8. Ridiculing

Ways to improve your communication with your children

• Return good for evil

• Look for the good in your children

• Listen to your children

• Validate them

• Always take a breath before you speak to them. Breathe

Christlike communication

• He is slow to condemn

• He is Forgiving

• He is considerate of the/to his family

• He is willing to return good for evil

• Loves the little children

• He is appreciative

• He is willing to sacrifice

Isaiah 1:18 "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool"

Mark 6:34 And Jesus, when he came out, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and he began to teach them many things.—

John 19:26-27 When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.

Colossians 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. He is eager to serve.

Listen to your children

• Show interest and a willingness to listen

• Ask questions that invite the child to talk (not interrogate)

• Identify and name the child’s feelings

• Listen actively by paraphrasing what he child says

• Respond non defensively when the child is upset

• Share feelings appropriately when you are upset

• Clarify what is expected of your child

““Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self””

— Dean Jackson

Resolve problems that impair the ability to listen

• Don’t feel responsible to solve all your child’s problems

• Don’t feel responsible to rear successful children rather than focusing on being a successful parent

• Don’t control your child

• Don’t be overly detached and permissive

• Don’t fear failure and public humiliation

• Don’t believe you are always right

• Don’t let your need to feel loved by your children and fearing rejection from them control your behavior toward them

1 Timothy 4:12 “Be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity” “Let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ”

• Words and behavior have the power to hurt or to help to inflict pain and suffering or to soothe painful feelings to provoke doubt and fear or to instill faith and courage.

““Our communications reflect in our countenance.   Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so.  Souls can be strengthened or shatter by the message and the manner in which we communicate..Christlike communications are expressed in tones of love rather than loudness.  They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful.  They tend to bind us together rather than to drive us apart…. The real challenge… is to condition our hearts to have Christlike feelings for all of Heavenly Fathers children  When we develop this concern for the condition of others, we will then communicate with them as the Savior would.  We will then warm the hearts of those who may be suffering in silence… We can then make their journey brighter by the things that we say”.  ”

— Elder L. Lionel Kendrick of the seventy

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

When our children Wander Season 1 Episode 23

When our children Wander

I discuss the anguish of having our children go astray and the things we can do to help them and ourselves when this happens.

““the reality is that there are no perfect families””

— Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Defining Going Astray: It can involve leaving the gospel of Jesus Christ, Immorality, drug abuse, criminal activity. Less troubling maybe: underachieving, finding little purpose or happiness in life, failure to launch or not providing for themselves as they get the age of independence.  

“ “Some parents suffer greatly because they blame themselves unduly for having been poor parents. In this position they are likely to misapply Pres. David O. McKays wonderfully prophetic statement the “ no other success can compensate for failure in the home”. They seem to draw the unintended implication that since they have a child who is abusing drugs or alcohol, they must be failures as parents; hence, no matter how hard they have tried, no other good they have done or success they have achieved can compensate of their parental failure at home. Because this statement was intended to inspire parents to become or stay involved with their children, it should not be taken to mean that parents who have indeed put great time , effort, and sacrifice into parenting, and yet who have still not reaped the desired rewards, have failed.””

— Elder John K. Carmack 'When our children go astray'

Luke 15:11-32

11. And he said, A certain man had two sons:

12. And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

13. And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

14. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

15. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

16. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

17. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

18. I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

19. And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

20. And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

21. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

22. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

23. And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

24. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

25. Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing.

26. And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.

27. And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.

28. And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and entreated him.

29. And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:

30. But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.

31. And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.

32. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

• No matter where your children maybe in their lives. If they are on the path or off the path they are still under the watchful eyes of our Heavenly Father. Remember He knew them before we did and loves them more than we do.  

““however wayward your children might be, … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit” “speak to them kindly””

— Pres. Joseph F. Smith

D&C 121: 41-42  “No power of influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering , by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”  “By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile”

Alma 31:5  “Behold, O Lord, their souls are precious, and many of them are our brethren; therefore, give unto us, O Lord, power and wisdom that we may bring these, our brethren again unto thee”

3 Nephi

“He commanded that their little children should be brought [forward]. …

“And … when they had knelt upon the ground, … he himself also knelt … ; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, … so great and marvelous [were the] things … [He did] speak unto the Father. …

“… When Jesus had made an end of praying …, he arose; … and … wept, … and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and [again] prayed unto the Father for them.

“And when he had done this he wept again; … [saying] unto the multitude, … Behold your little ones.”

“We cannot know exactly what the Savior was feeling in such a poignant moment, but we do know that He was “troubled” and that He “groaned within himself” over the destructive influences always swirling around the innocent.  We know He felt a great need to pray for and bless the children… well, some of them may be beyond our control, but I testify with faith in the living God that they are not beyond His.  He lives, and priesthood power is at work on both sides of the veil.  We are not alone…”

“When erecting their sacred tabernacle in the wilderness of Sinai, the ancient children of Israel were commanded to make firm their supporting cords and strengthen the stakes which held them. The reason? Storms arise in life—regularly. So fix it, fasten it, then fix and fasten it again. Even then we know that some children will make choices that break their parents’ hearts. Moms and dads can do everything right and yet have children who stray. Moral agency still obtains. But even in such painful hours it will be comforting for you to know that your children knew of your abiding faith in Christ, in His true Church, in the keys of the priesthood and in those who hold them. It will be comforting then for you to know that if your children choose to leave the straight and narrow way, they leave it very conscious that their parents were firmly in it. Furthermore, they will be much more likely to return to that path when they come to themselves and recall the loving example and gentle teachings you offered them there.

Live the gospel as conspicuously as you can. Keep the covenants your children know you have made. Give priesthood blessings. And bear your testimony. Don’t just assume your children will somehow get the drift of your beliefs on their own. The prophet Nephi said near the end of his life that they had written their record of Christ and preserved their convictions regarding His gospel in order “to persuade our children … that our children may know … [and believe] the right way.””

— Elder Jeffrey R. Holland 'A Prayer for the Children'

““The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.”

In the Doctrine and Covenants we are told, “The dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances of the house of God,“And after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their works, for they are heirs of salvation.” Mercy will not rob justice, and the sealing power of faithful parents will only claim wayward children upon the condition of their repentance and Christ’s Atonement. Repentant. I believe there is a strong familial pull as the influence of beloved ancestors continues with us from the other side of the veil.”To those brokenhearted parents who have been righteous, diligent, and prayerful in the teaching of their disobedient children, we say to you, the Good Shepherd is watching over them. God knows and understands your deep sorrow. There is hope. Take comfort in the words of Jeremiah, “Thy work shall be rewarded” and your children can “come again from the land of the enemy.”

Trust in your Father in Heaven, he will direct the path you should take. Another thought from Elder Carmack: Most of our lives are a complex mixture of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, good and bad. Heavenly Father fully understands our conditions here in mortality, having allowed those conditions and provided agency as a kind of living laboratory for human growth. Moreover, he himself must have experienced all of the conditions and feelings we do, for, as the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “God himself was once as we are now”and “Dwelt on an earth”.. ”

— President James E Faust 'Dear Are the Sheep That Have Wandered'

“Trust in your Father in Heaven, he will direct the path you should take. Another thought from Elder Carmack: Most of our lives are a complex mixture of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, good and bad. Heavenly Father fully understands our conditions here in mortality, having allowed those conditions and provided agency as a kind of living laboratory for human growth. Moreover, he himself must have experienced all of the conditions and feelings we do, for, as the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “God himself was once as we are now”and “Dwelt on an earth”.. ”

— Teachings of the prophet Joseph smith set. JFS 1977, 345,346.

So what can we do?

• Don’t give up on them

• Love them, let the Lord teach them

• Understand Agency

““You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours —long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend””

— Elder Orson F. Whitney

• Be careful of how you judge them or others

• Trust in our Savior and turn your life over to him, he will lead you and guide you. He looks for the one whom has left the flock

• Never give up.

6 ways to weather this trial

1. Take care of yourselves first

2. Seek Help

3. Try not to live through the achievements of your children

4. Some parents unwisely place their own personal hopes and dreams on the achievements of their children.

5. Avoid Denial and undue feelings of Self Blame

6. Remember the Last Human Freedom

““We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”

He added that prisoners facing the daily cruelty, savagery, and lack of respect for life and human dignity either perished or learned that “it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us”.”

— Man’s Search for Meaning [1981]

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine Season 1 Episode 22

How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine

Discuss things we can do as parents when our children are tough to love and are acting out.

a teenager

• Between the age of 13-19, but that adolescent behavior can swing a couple of years either way. 

• They have times of high intensities of consistent stress or times of great sadness. Their hormones are raging at this point.  They want to be independent but dependent at the same time.  I want my parents to take care of me yet I want to have all my independence.   

The 3 F’s: Freedom, fun and friends

• Give them some independence

• Find fun things to do as a family and include there friends

• Have their friends over to your house

  • your child or family maybe the influence other children need

  • Don’t be afraid of non members. Embrace them, have them over, have them part of your family.

Agency

• Giving them agency does not mean that you don’t have consequences.

• Don’t rescue them

What age do you transfer that responsibility?

• From the time they are little you start slowly, so you give them more and more responsibility as they age

• Being a part of a family is helping your children see things around your home that need to be done and doing them.

• Be in the world but not of the world

Myths

• If my child chooses behavior I don’t approve of, it must mean I’ve failed as a parent.

• If my child is less than perfect, people in my church and family will look down on me.

• If my child doesn’t do as well as my friends children, I’ll look bad and be embarrassed.

Ask yourself

• Why am I fearful?

• Why do I feel guilty?

• Why do I feel responsible?

• What am I telling myself that makes me feel like this?

• If it true or logical?

• How am I responsible for my grown child’s choices?

““life is a gift you as parents give to your children.  What children do with it is there gift to you””

““I will not help you self-destruct or help you one inch to hell, but I will help you live up to your potential””

— Glean Latham

Don’t

• Don’t become toxic like your child

• Don’t yell back

• Don’t argue

• Be the adult talk rationally

• Never abuse: emotionally, physically or in any other way

• Don’t criticize

• Don’t deny your child a reasonable request just to establish authority

Three ways children learn:   S.H.E. 

S= what they see

H= what they hear

E= what they experience

Consequences

1. Natural consequences

2. Imposed consequences

• Let’s Separate Love and Trust so they learn a difference between the two: 

• Have a love program: I love you no matter what, unconditional

• Have a trust program: I still love you but I may not trust you

Leadership in the home does not mean war

• Don’t make every encounter a war, just because you want to win the war!

• Is this the mountain you want to die on?

• Pick your battles

Objective in Parenting

• Help teach them

• Love them

• Set an example for them

“You love them, let the Savior teach them”

Emotionally healthy teen

• Accepts responsibility for their happiness and their unhappiness by their behavior

• Able to forgive themselves and others

• Able to make a plan from where they are at to a higher healthier place

Emotionally healthy parent

• Does not enable the child because of their fear, doubts and feelings of inadequacy

• Don’t let your need to be needed to be greater than having emotionally healthy children

• Able to forgive self and others

• Knows the love- trust plan

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Parenting: Gather to a House of Refuge Season 1 Episode 21

Parenting: gather to a house of refuge

Discuss how to make your home a place of refuge. I talk about guilt and shame and how it affects our lives and our children’s lives. How to better parents.

3 Nephi 3:12-26

12. Now behold, this Lachoneus, the governor, was a just man, and could not be frightened by the demands and the threatenings of a robber; therefore he did not hearken to the epistle of Giddianhi, the governor of the robbers, but he did cause that his people should cry unto the Lord for strength against the time that the robbers should come down against them.

13. Yea, he sent a proclamation among all the people, that they should gather together their women, and their children, their flocks and their herds, and all their substance, save it were their land, unto one place.

14. And he caused that fortifications should be built round about them, and the strength thereof should be exceedingly great. And he caused that armies, both of the Nephites and of the Lamanites, or of all them who were numbered among the Nephites, should be placed as guards round about to watch them, and to guard them from the robbers day and night.

15. Yea, he said unto them: As the Lord liveth, except ye repent of all your iniquities, and cry unto the Lord, ye will in nowise be delivered out of the hands of those Gadianton robbers.

16. And so great and marvelous were the words and prophecies of Lachoneus that they did cause fear to come upon all the people; and they did exert themselves in their might to do according to the words of Lachoneus.

17. And it came to pass that Lachoneus did appoint chief captains over all the armies of the Nephites, to command them at the time that the robbers should come down out of the wilderness against them.

18. Now the chiefest among all the chief captains and the great commander of all the armies of the Nephites was appointed, and his name was Gidgiddoni.

19. Now it was the custom among all the Nephites to appoint for their chief captains, (save it were in their times of wickedness) some one that had the spirit of revelation and also prophecy; therefore, this Gidgiddoni was a great prophet among them, as also was the chief judge.

20. Now the people said unto Gidgiddoni: Pray unto the Lord, and let us go up upon the mountains and into the wilderness, that we may fall upon the robbers and destroy them in their own lands.

21. But Gidgiddoni saith unto them: The Lord forbid; for if we should go up against them the Lord would deliver us into their hands; therefore we will prepare ourselves in the center of our lands, and we will gather all our armies together, and we will not go against them, but we will wait till they shall come against us; therefore as the Lord liveth, if we do this he will deliver them into our hands.

22. And it came to pass in the seventeenth year, in the latter end of the year, the proclamation of Lachoneus had gone forth throughout all the face of the land, and they had taken their horses, and their chariots, and their cattle, and all their flocks, and their herds, and their grain, and all their substance, and did march forth by thousands and by tens of thousands, until they had all gone forth to the place which had been appointed that they should gather themselves together, to defend themselves against their enemies.

23. And the land which was appointed was the land of Zarahemla, and the land which was between the land Zarahemla and the land Bountiful, yea, to the line which was between the land Bountiful and the land Desolation.

24. And there were a great many thousand people who were called Nephites, who did gather themselves together in this land. Now Lachoneus did cause that they should gather themselves together in the land southward, because of the great curse which was upon the land northward.

25. And they did fortify themselves against their enemies; and they did dwell in one land, and in one body, and they did fear the words which had been spoken by Lachoneus, insomuch that they did repent of all their sins; and they did put up their prayers unto the Lord their God, that he would deliver them in the time that their enemies should come down against them to battle.

26. And they were exceedingly sorrowful because of their enemies. And Gidgiddoni did cause that they should make weapons of war of every kind, and they should be strong with armor, and with shields, and with bucklers, after the manner of his instruction.It came to me as I was reading and pondering that we as parents need to heed this counsel in our own homes: meaning make your home a place of refuge, gather you family together as one and build fortifications for your children against the evil of the day.  Make the armor of God for your children.  Be the guards round about your children.

Tools

1. Make your house a house of refuge: a place your children feel safe from the world, a place that they can talk about all the stresses of life, and the pains that they are going through.

2. Help your children have self confidence.

3. Praise your child

4. Focus on their strengths

5. Teach them to serve

6. Help them to learn to do new things (at any age this is so good for them)

7. Keep them away from influences of social media

8. Help your children’s behavior with Glenn Latham’s strategy in the Power of positive parenting: 4 principles that will help behaviors in our children

   1. Behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences

   2. Behavior ultimately responds better to positive consequences

   3. Whether a behavior has been punished or reinforced is known only by the course of that behavior in the future.

   4. Behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment

   Behavior vs its who we are

9. Teach them the difference between Guilt and Shame

• What is guilt: We have done something wrong and are responsible for that behavior, therefor with the Lords atonement we must make amends. This means that guilt should be a motivator to change our behavior when we have done something wrong or sinned. I feel guilty because of something I have done, therefor I am need to repent, ask forgiveness, change my behavior and be a better person. Yes, with guilt we should have remorse for what we have done but not feel shameful. Christ died for us, we need to use his atonement to change our behavior. Rely on him and change our behavior in accordance with his sacrifice. Guilt does not mean: I hate myself, I am never going to get better, God hates me or should hate me. When we teach that guilt should be a motivator to be better our children aren’t filled with shame. Shame stops their progression and happiness.

• What is Shame:The very word, “shame,” carries a relational tone: it is a feeling of humiliation, disgrace, or embarrassment.

• Shame is turning guilt inward: It is a a negative evaluation of self; Feeling of being powerless and worthless. I hate myself for doing that.

“‘Childhood experiences of shame change who they are, how they think about themselves, and their sense of self worth. Given the severity of the outcomes around shame, we’ll also begin to worry the the shaming moments that happen outside our home will define our children, despite our best efforts in the family. And those experiences will happen—name calling, put-downs, and teasing are rampant in our culture of cruelty. The good news, however, is that we have a lot of influence over how much power those experiences have in our children lives. She thinks of shame and worthiness in this way: “it’s the album not the picture”. If you imagine opening up a photo album, and many of the pages are full of eight by ten photos of shaming events, you’ll close that album and walk away thinking, shame defines that story. If on the other hand, you open that album and see a few small photos of shame experiences, but each one is surrounded by pictures of worthiness, hope, struggle, resilience, courage, failure, success, and vulnerability, the shame experiences are only a part of a larger story. They don’t define us””

— Brene Brown

• Help your children know the difference between guilt and shame. When they feel guilt help them learn what is motivating it and how to be motivated to change by it. Be the example!

Be a parent like your Father in Heaven

1. Never lie to your children

2. Love unconditionally

3. Freedom to choose

4. Consequences

5. Never criticize

6. Never argue

• Love your children, look for the good in each one, pray to see their sweet souls as Heavenly Father sees them.  Remember He loves your children more than you do and He loved them before you ever loved them.

• Be good to your children

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

The Sacred roles of Fathers and Mothers Season 1 Episode 20

The Sacred roles of Fathers and Mothers

I discuss the important roles fathers and mothers play in this life and in the Eternities. I talk about things we can do to be better fathers and mothers.

D&C 27:15-17

15 Wherefore, lift up your hearts and rejoice, and gird up your loins, and take upon you my whole armor, that ye may be able to withstand the evil day, having done all, that ye may be able to stand. 

16 Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, having on the breastplate of righteousness, and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace, which I have sent mine angels to commit unto you;

17 Taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked;

18 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of my Spirit, which I will pour out upon you, and my word which I reveal unto you, and be agreed as touching all things whatsoever ye ask of me, and be faithful until I come, and ye shall be caught up, that where I am ye shall be also. Amen.

“The shield of faith is made of:  reverence, courage, chastity, repentance, forgiveness, compassion. In church we can learn how to assemble and fit them together. But the actual making of and fitting on of the shield of faith belongs in the family circle. Otherwise it may loosen and come off in a crisis. That shield of faith is not produced in a factory but at home in a cottage industry.

The ultimate purpose of all we teach is to unite parents and children in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, that they are happy at home, sealed in an eternal marriage, linked to their generations, and assured of exaltation in the presence of our Heavenly Father.

Lest parents and children be “tossed to and fro,” and misled by “cunning craftiness” of men who “lie in wait to deceive” (Eph. 4:14), our Father’s plan requires that, like the generation of life itself, the shield of faith is to be made and fitted in the family. No two can be exactly alike. Each must be handcrafted to individual specifications.

The plan designed by the Father contemplates that man and woman, husband and wife, working together, fit each child individually with a shield of faith made to buckle on so firmly that it can neither be pulled off nor penetrated by those fiery darts.

It takes the steady strength of a father to hammer out the metal of it and the tender hands of a mother to polish and fit it on. Sometimes one parent is left to do it alone. It is difficult, but it can be done.”

— President Boyd K. Packer

---

Fathers

“ “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in Love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.  Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.  In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.  Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.”

— The Family: A proclamation to the world

“Fathers, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released.  Callings in the church, as important as they are, by their very nature are only for a period of time, and then an appropriate release takes place.  But a father’s calling is eternal, and its importance transcends time.  It is a calling for both time and eternity.”

— President Ezra Taft Benson

“The most important of the Lord’s work that you Fathers will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home.  Home teaching, bishopric’s work, and other Church duties are all important, but the most important work is within the walls of your home. ”

— President Harold B. Lee

“A man who holds the priesthood leads his family in Church participation so they will know the gospel and be under the protection of the covenants and ordinances. If you are to enjoy the blessings of the Lord, you must set your own homes in order. Together with your wife, you determine the spiritual climate of your home. Your first obligation is to get your own spiritual life in order through regular scriptural study and daily prayer. Secure and honor your priesthood and temple covenants; encourage your family to do the same.”

— President Howard W Hunter

Here are 10 ways Fathers can be spiritual leaders in the home

1. Give fathers blessing to your children.  Baptize and confirm your children. Ordain your sons to the priesthood these will become spiritual highlights in the lives of your children

2. Personally direct (to manage or guide)  family prayers daily scripture reading, and weekly family home evenings.  Your personal involvement will show your children how important these activities really are. 

3. Whenever possible, attend church meetings together as a family.  With Covid 19 provide the Sacrament in your home and guide a discussion from the come follow me manual. Family worship under your leadership is vital to your children spiritual welfare

4. Go on daddy-daughter/sons dates.  As a family go on campouts or picnics, to ball games and recitals, to their programs and so forth.  Having Dad go to these activities makes all the difference

5. Build traditions of family vacations and trips and outings.  These memories will never be forgotten by your children

6. Have regular one on one visits with your children.  Let them talk about what they would like to.  Teach them gospel principles. Teach them true values.  Tell them you love them.  Personal time with your children tells them where Dad puts his priorities.

7. Teach your children to work, and show them the value of working toward a worthy goal.  Establishing mission funds and education funds for your children shows them what dad considers to be important.

8. Encouraged good music, art and literature in your homes

9. Regularly attend the temple with your wife

10. Have your children see your joy and satisfaction in service to church

Temporal necessities of life:  food, shelter, clothing

Spiritual necessities: Teach them that spiritual needs are met through maintaining our relationship with our Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ.  Just as the Israelites spent time each day gathering physical manna, we today must gather spiritual manna through prayer, gospel study and striving for constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.

A fathers Credo

• I respect my children

• I value my children opinions

• I shall involve my children in setting the rules for our home

• I have confidence in my children.  I shall trust them completely to comply with family guidelines

• I make mistakes, and therefore must allow my children to do so also.  I will protect them from big mistakes and pitfalls as well as I can, but will also allow them to face the consequences of poor decisions

---

Mothers

“Most sacred is a woman’s role in the creation of life. We know that our physical bodies have a divine origin and that we must experience both a physical birth and a spiritual rebirth to reach the highest realms in God’s celestial kingdom.  Thus, women play an integral part (sometimes at the risk of their own lives) in God’s work and glory “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” As grandmothers, mothers, and role models, women have been the guardians of the wellspring of life, teaching each generation the importance of sexual purity—of chastity before marriage and fidelity within marriage. In this way, they have been a civilizing influence in society; they have brought out the best in men; they have perpetuated wholesome environments in which to raise secure and healthy children.”

— general conference talk in 2013 by Elder D. Todd Christofferson:

“Mothers who know are nurturers. This is their special assignment and role under the plan of happiness. To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. Therefore, mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world. Working beside children in homemaking tasks creates opportunities to teach and model qualities children should emulate. Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a “house of order,” and women should pattern their homes after the Lord’s house (see D&C 109). Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work. Helping growth occur through nurturing is truly a powerful and influential role bestowed on women.

2000 stripling warriors: were valiant, courageous and strong.  Alma 53: 21 “Yea, they were men of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him” These brave young men stated:   Alma 56:48 ”Our mothers knew it” (speaking of the gospel and living it)

When these 2000 warriors who were the anti Nephi Lehites, found that they were at a cross road in there life as to whether they should take up arms to defend there people when there parents/grandparents had covenanted to never take up there arms they were taught by their mothers that the lord would protect them if they lived the commandments: there mothers knew it”

— Sister Julie B. Beck: Relief Society General President in October 2007

Proverbs 29:15 “a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame?”

Teach your children in righteousness

• Read to your children

• Pray with your children

• Let them see you pray

• Have weekly family home evenings, come follow me lessons

• Share your testimony: 

• Be an example of how to treat others

• Be together at mealtimes

• Read scriptures daily

• Do things as a family

• Play with them

Moms and Dads Love your Children

You want to be your children memories  but to do this you need to be in there lives today

My greatest wish is that my kids always know how much I love them, and that they walk through the rest of their life knowing I’ll aways be there for them anyway I can. 

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Parenting Styles: What is your's? Season 1 Episode 19

Parenting Styles:

What is your's?

Authoritarian Parenting Style

• These parents have a climate of hostility in their home which is manifest by frequent spanking, yelling, criticizing, directing, and forcing. These parents are not interested in negotiating and their main agenda is obedience.

• These parents psychologically control children by communicating disinterest in what they have to say, discounting their feelings, attacking them in condescending or patronizing ways, inducing guilt, withdrawing love and/or displaying erratic emotional behavior (screaming, pouting, crying)

• Authoritarian parenting is linked to children who exhibit aggressive, disruptive, delinquent, antisocial behavior and or they can be anxious, withdrawn, depressed or have eating disorders.

• Children from authoritarian parents often follow the rules because they are afraid of the parent or the punishment but they do not learn the true lesson. It is just blind obedience

• Authoritarian parents use punishments instead of discipline.

• Children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren't valued.

• They may also become hostile or aggressive. Rather than think about how to do things better in the future, they often focus on the anger they feel toward their parents. Since authoritarian parents are often strict, their children may grow to become good liars in an effort to avoid punishment.

Permissive parenting Style

• Permissive parents are lenient. They often only step in when there's a serious problem.

• They're quite forgiving and they adopt an attitude of "kids will be kids." When they do use consequences, they may not make those consequences stick. They might give privileges back if a child begs or they may allow a child to get out of time-out early if he promises to be good. 

• Parents set rules but rarely enforce them.

• Parents don't give out consequences.

• Parents think your child will learn best with little interference from you.

• Parents indulge their children’s every whim and desire or neglect there children by leaving them to their own devices

• Parents shirk their responsibility to lead, guide and discipline their children

• Parents mistakenly believe children will flourish if unfettered by demands and restrictions.

• Parenting focus is child-centered

• Parents view children as having equal rights but few or no responsibilities

• Parents avoid using authority. They impose few restrictions behavior expectations and consequences for misbehavior. Children make their own decisions

• Children raised by permissive parents have less respect for others and have difficulty coping with frustration or delayed gratification, and do poor academically. They are more defiant and have higher rate of adolescent sexual activity and drug and alcohol abuse

• Permissive parents usually take on more of a friend role than a parent role. They often encourage their children to talk with them about their problems, but they usually don't put much effort into discouraging poor choices or bad behavior. 

• Children raised with this parenting style tend to be impulsive, rebellious, aimless, domineering, aggressive and low in self-reliance, self-control and achievement.  They are more likely to struggle academically. They may exhibit more behavioral problems as they don't appreciate authority and rules. They often have low self-esteem and may report a lot of sadness.

• They're also at a higher risk for health problems, like obesity, because permissive parents struggle to limit junk food intake. They are even more likely to have dental cavities because permissive parents often don't enforce good habits, like ensuring a child brush his teeth.

D&C:25,28 

25. And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.

28. And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.

Uninvolved Parenting Style

• Uninvolved parents tend to have little knowledge of what their children are doing. They tend to be few rules. Children may not receive much guidance, nurturing, and parental attention.  In this parenting style, parents are unresponsive, unavailable and rejecting.

• Parents don't ask their child about school or homework.

• Parents rarely know where their child is or who she/he is with.

• Parents don't spend much time with their child.

• Parents don’t go to their children events

• Uninvolved parents want their children to raise themselves. They don't devote much time or energy into meeting children's needs, even feeding or dressing them. These parents can neglectful. They lack involvement or knowledge about their child’s development and growth. And sometimes, they're simply overwhelmed with other problems, like work, paying bills, and managing a household.

• Sometimes parents  because of mental health issues or substance abuse problems, often can’t take care of their a child's physical or emotional needs on a consistent basis.  Therefor they become a neglectful parent.  

• Children from uninvolved parents have problems in school, do poorly in school, have behavioral problems and often have self-esteem issues or self confidence. They can seek other role models to substitute for the neglectful parent.  They are generally very unhappy children. 

• Children want to have a family, they want to be loved and they want to have guidelines, rules and examples, even if they say they don’t.  Emotionally they do.  It shows that the parent cares.

Authoritative Parenting Style

• These parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children. They attempt to control children's behavior by explaining rules, discussing, and reasoning. They listen to a child's viewpoint (validate, but don't have to accept it).

• They allow kids to get involved in problem-solving challenges or obstacles. You put a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive relationship with your child.

• Parents will explain the reasons behind their rules.

• Parents will enforce rules and give consequences, but take their child's feelings into consideration.

• Parents will foster a positive emotional connection with their children, they are warm responsive, and companionable

• Parents place a fair and consistent limits on Childs behavior. This makes the child feel safe.

• Rules and expectations are clear. When violated parents impose punishment with logical consequences that are tied to the misbehavior.

• Disciplinary encounters are teaching (rather than punishing) moments to help children learn to regulate their own behavior. Reason and persuasion are used with younger children; parents take on more of a consultant role with older kids. What punishment do you think would be appropriate for this behavior?

• Children are given reasonable autonomy in decision making

• Authoritative parents have rules and they use consequences, but they also take their children's opinions into account. They validate their children's feelings, while also making it clear that the adults are ultimately in charge.

• Authoritative parents invest time and energy into preventing behavior problems before they start. They also use positive discipline strategies to reinforce good behavior, like praise and reward systems.

• Children raised with authoritative discipline tend to be happy and successful. They're also more likely to be good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. 

Influence vs control or Authoritative vs Authoritarian

Often times we struggle even when our children don’t follow the rules or go astray even when we are Authoritative parents. Remember you are in good company: Adam and eve, Lehi and Sariah, Heavenly Father …

With dedication and commitment to being the best parent you can be, you can maintain a positive relationship with your child while still establishing your authority in a healthy manner. And over time, your child will reap the benefits of your authoritative style.

Remember every child who is born in mortality is the offspring of God.  He, too, has a vested interest in saving His posterity.

9 principles for successful parenting

• Faith

• Prayer

• Repentance

• Forgiveness

• Respect

• Love (unconditionally) patience, kindness, gentleness, unselfishness, and humility

• Compassion

• Work (work alongside your children)

• Recreation

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Principles and history for successful parenting Season 1 Episode 18

Principles and history for successful parenting

How society influences our parenting ideas

Judeo Christians Movement: children were thought to be innately evil because of the fall of Adam and eve: they were born evil from the original sin.

French philosopher Jean-Jacque Rousseau in the 18th century: believed children are innately good. Children are only to be corruptible by a corrupted adult society.  If left to themselves they would achieve their greatest potential.  

John Locke (1632-1704) Blank slate idea: that children are much like a blank slate.  Neither evil nor good. They will be molded by their upbringing.

John B. Watson and B. F. Skinner (20th century): tended to agree with Locke but asserting that by controlling and altering the environment, they can make a child into any kind of person they want.

Nature vs nurture: is it your biological make up that influences children’s behavior or is it their environment that influences their behavior. 

What does the gospel tell us about children

• All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. Each spirit child of God is unique, having cultivated talents and dispositions in ta premarital existence 

• Each spirit enters a mortal body, also unique in its genetic make up

• from birth on each child exhibits individual interests, talents, personality, desires and abilities

• Parents, siblings and others who are significant to a child will have further influence in the child’s life.  

What does Research suggest

• Biological characteristics affect children’s dispositions and temperaments

• Children to some degree select, modify and even create their own environments according to their biological predispositions

“Today the rapid increase in knowledge about the brain functioning and genes provides scientific evidence for biological basis for some aspects of development.  Although the exact proportions remain unknown, genetic influences account for 25-75 percent of the differences in characteristics among the general population.  For instance, genetic factors have been cited for a wide range of psychological out comes in adulthood, including alcoholism, depression and phobias. During childhood the evidence seems strongest for such characteristics as intelligence, sociability, emotionality, and activity level.  ”

— Psychology for living 11 edition states

All those they come in contact with can affect a Child’s development. 

So why am I telling you this information

• knowing our history we can see how parenting by our ancestors, parents etc has affected our thoughts on parenting. 

• How we parent can influence how our child behaves:  The power of positive parenting.  

• Judging unrighteously can affect our ability to love and value each family member

• We must rear all of our children in love and righteousness

• You're the adult, be the adult and set a loving example and your children will follow suit.

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Parenting: Developmental stages 1-12 Season 1 Episode 16

Parenting: Developmental stages 1-12

Discuss the developmental stages and how to parent these stages.

Developing independence 1-3

These are some of the behaviors characterized in this stage

• Self-control

• Bowel and bladder functioning

• Running

• Feed themselves

• Drinking from a cup

• Pulling toys opening doors

• Climbing on furniture

• Washing and drying hands

Terrible twos: tantrums, no

• Be consistent, be consistent

How can I deal with the terrible twos

• Help them act independently within reasonable limits, and by giving them choices to avoid power struggles

• Organize your house so children can run and explore without hurting themselves or damaging anything

• spend time with them, teach them how to play with others

Timeout Technique

Step 1: Deliver a warning in a firm voice that if they continue to misbehave, they will be put into timeout.

Step 2: Take child to time out spot (same place every-time).

Step 3: Explain why child is in timeout.

Step 4: Set timer (1 minute per year of child’s age)

Step 5: If they get up, return child to time out spot without talking.

Step 6: Have child apologize and reward with hugs and kisses.

Channeling Initiative 3-6

• They try to learn and master tasks that will bring a sense of competence and connection to their word.

• Childhood fantasies are often exaggerated, involving themes of power and aggression (they can feel bad over there aggression)

By age 4 most children can

• Hop

• Stand on one foot 

• ride a trike

• Kick a ball

• Go up and down stairs unassisted

• Play cooperatively

• Ask questions

• Engage in fantasy play

• Can tell tall tales and even believe in their own imaginings

• Can help in cleaning with the parent

• They can hit, kick and break things, they can use shocking language or run away

By 6 most children can

• Ride a bike

• Tie their shoes

• Bounce and bat a ball

• Count to 100

• They are active and eager to do things

• Love helping

• Nightmares are common

• Emotions can be tumultuous

• Children often express variations of love and resentment

• They tend to take center stage but lack a secure sense of self

• They want to get their way because getting there way is important to them

• They can have a difficult time choosing between two things because they want both

Parents

• Be patient and loving 

• Use firmness while allowing your children to test themselves within clearly defined boundaries

• Set rule for TV, video games, chores, homework, bedtime and routine

• Children need routine: it helps them feel loved

• Administer discipline in a loving and kind way, using choices and consequences for behavior problems 

• Spend time with them

• Take an interest in their activities

• Arrange time for your children to explore, run outdoors and play with others

Learning to be industrious  6-12 

School

• The child feels pleasure and develops confidence through learning, getting good grades and developing skills. 

• The child enters the broader social culture and feels acceptable and productive when able to compare favorably with others

• Learning disabilities

Age 8

• They can write

• Have a sense of humor

• Know right from wrong

• Very active and social

• Have a best friend

• They want to take on the world

• They generally enjoy helping with chores, which gives them a sense of importance and accomplishment

• They resist bossiness but generally respond to parental requests

Age 10 

• Preadolescence

• They tend to be calm, compliant, and easy to get along with

• They are social, cooperative, and industrious and helpful at home

• They value their parent and the opinions of their friends

• They enjoy group activities at church and school 

• Between 10-12 sometime: Boys begin to really stink: feet, they don’t want to bath or brush there teeth

Age 12

• Puberty, puberty

• This is Jr High: the toughest time for kids

• Many experience emotional and behavioral roller coasters: bouncing from childhood to adolescence and back again, being responsible and irresponsible, testing rules and depending on them

• Appearance can become important

• Friendships may change abruptly, hurt feelings especially in girls

• Changes in body can cause eating disorders

• Interest in opposite sex

What parents can do

• Give recognition for jobs well done

• Join with them in projects and activities and help them succeed

• Take time to listen

• Help them solve problems and teach them how to resolve conflicts

• Attend events in which your children participate

• Involve your children in creating family rules, expectations, limits and consequences

• Give increasing work responsibilities and limit Tv, video games, media, phone use and electronics

• Understand the influence of these electronics and media on your children

• Encourage your children to have reasonable interests and friendships outside the home

• Have consequences to there behaviors that fit the crime

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Seeking independence and sense of identity: Developmental stages Season 1 Episode 17

Seeking independence and sense of identity: Developmental stages Episode 17

Discuss stages and issues with teens. Discussed parenting ideas for teens 12-18.

Age 12-13

• Puberty

• Sexual Feelings surface

• Equality and independence vs security and comfort of home

• They wonder where do I fit in society?

• Try to find a sense of identity

• Feel they are on stage

• Eating disorders can occur: Anorexia, bulimia and bingeing.  

• Fun, Friends and Freedom

Age 14

• insecure about themselves, their bodies and their acceptability

• tend to be idealistic, impulsive, intense and wanting everything now.

• self-centered, moody, and argumentative, having more conflict with parents

• look to peer for social acceptable behavior.

• They say they want their agency

Age 16

• most are more relaxed and comfortable around family members now

• more secure in their identity

• sorting through values and beliefs, seeking a clearer sense of self.

• Sensitive to social norms and peer groups

• Can still question authority and test rules

Some of the difficulties teens may encounter:

• Bullying

• Mental health issues: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or action

• Self-esteem and Body image issues:  may turn into Eating disorders

• Stress: thinking about what they want there life to be, college, grades, etc

• Cyber addiction

• Defiant behaviors Smoking, Drug, or alcohol abuse

• Underage sex, teen pregnancy

• Peer-pressure and competition

Bullying

Some of the effects of Bullying might be:  depression, low self-esteem, shyness, poor academic or job performance, isolation or threatened or attempted suicide

• Risk factors for suicide in teens

• Depressed mood

• Substance abuse

• Frequent episodes of running away or being incarcerated

• Family loss or instability; significant problems with parents

• Expressions of suicidal thoughts, or talk of death or the afterlife during moments of sadness or boredom

• Withdrawal from friends and family

• Difficulties in dealing with sexual orientation

• No longer interested in or enjoying activities that once were pleasurable

• Unplanned pregnancy

• Impulsive, aggressive behavior or frequent expressions of rage

signs of depression: 

• Little interest or pleasure in doing the things

• Feeling down or hopeless

• Trouble falling or staying asleep or sleeping too much

• Having little energy

• Poor appetite or overeating

• Feeling bad about themselves-failure 

• Trouble concentrating 

• Suicidal ideation: thoughts of suicide

Signs of anxiety:

• Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge most of the time with no apparent cause

• Not being able to stop worrying

• Trouble relaxing

• Stressing over school, friends etc

• Hard to sit still

• Feeling afraid and that something terrible might happen

ADD or ADHD

• Distractibility and lack of focus

• Disorganization and forgetfulness

• Self focused behavior

• Hyperactivity and fidgeting

• Heightened emotionality 

• Impulsivity and poor decision making

• Poor concentration and trouble finishing tasks

But Parents you need to know

• This is a time for children to become self reliant

• Control should be relinquished gradually, allowing teens progressively to take care of their lives

• Encourage them to think for themselves: what do you think?  How does that make you feel

• Accept there traits before you become defensive or rejecting

• Remain calm and consistent when confronted with the emotional intensity of your teenager 

• Listen to them

• Validate their feelings

• Choose your battles wisely: is this the mountain you want to die on

Mosiah 4:14-15 “ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry or naked neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another..”But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness (meaning calm, temperance, freedom from heat and passion), ye will teach them to love one another and serve one another”

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Parenting : Child Development 0-1 Season 1 Episode 15

Parenting : Child Development 0-1

I talk about parenting a 0-1 year old. Discuss ways to help your babies sleep, nurse and how to nurture them.

Infancy 0-1

In 1989 Romania orphanages were first viewed by the world. What we saw there was devastating  which started a flurry of studies on how touch, attention, and nurturing a child affects the brain. The first 5 years of a Child’s life are the most important for the brains development.

“Similar to other sensory deprivation, the lack of touch during the early years slows growth in infants. Although research emphasizes the great benefits of touch for premature babies, the presence of such contact has also been shown to benefit all children. In fact, infants who experience more physical contact with caregivers demonstrate increased mental development in the first six months of life compared to young children who receive limited physical interaction. Furthermore, this improved cognitive development has been shown to last even after eight years, illustrating the importance of positive interactions. Infants who receive above-average levels of affection from their mothers are shown to be less likely to be hostile, anxious, or emotionally distressed as adults. The lack of such interaction, however, proves to be just as powerful. Infants who attend lower quality institutional daycare tend to receive minimal touch, which is associated to long-lasting cognitive delays in the future. Touch deprivation is additionally associated with increased aggression, pointing to the emotional and behavioral impact of contact during early childhood.

In addition to the cognitive benefits, skin-to-skin contact lets children know that they’re safe and protected, building trust between child and parent. Through the physical contact with adults, strong attachments can be created, thus providing a stable foundation for future relationships. Oxytocin, known as the “bonding” hormone, is released during times of close physical contact such as breastfeeding. Parent-child interactions may help foster the neurodevelopment of brain regions producing oxytocin, thus enhancing children’s future socio-emotional development. Mothers’ ability to identify their baby solely through touch immediately following delivery indicates their unique reliance on the tactile sense. Touch can benefit both mothers and infants alike, forming a bonding connection between parent and child. Infants of depressed mothers who massage their infants show improvement in growth and development while the mothers’ depression levels decreases. Physical contact can also lower cortisol levels for both mothers and children, thereby leading to improved immune system functioning. By continually providing nurturing touch, parents can help facilitate enhanced social, emotional, and physical development at young age.”

— The Vitality of Touch by the Urban child institute

Sleep

• The first couple of months of a Child’s life they are adjusting to time: morning vs night. 

• Sleep when your baby sleeps (now if you have other children this is very difficult but try).

• But when they are around 3-6 months old you can start to sleep train them. 

• Let them know you are putting them to bed, rub there back or tummy, talk or sing softly for a few moments and then leave the room. 

• If they start to cry allow them for a few minutes and then go back in. 

• Don’t pick them up just rub there back or tummy again and go out. 

• Your baby might fall asleep as you are feeding them, if they do you can lay them down but don’t be afraid if they wake up. 

• This does not mean you leave your child to cry all night long. 

• Let them cry for 10-15 min.  If they do not stop go in and pat their back or rub their back or tummy.  Repeat. 

• When a child is old enough to each solids: like cereal this is when they should start being able to sleep through the night (make sure your pediatrician agrees with this). 

• Have a routine for your child also when you start to sleep train them

• Try and put them in bed at the same time every night.  I know this isn’t always possible but try. 

Breast feeding

•  Drink tons of water if you are nursing

• If you have problems you can always call the La Leche society. 

• Make sure you eat well too. 

0–2 months

Gross motor skills

• Sucks, swallows, and breathes while feeding 

• Shows strong reflexes

• Lifts head momentarily about 45 degrees when lying on stomach

• Relaxes arms and legs from the tight fetal position

Fine motor skills 

• Holds hands in tight fists and then begins to uncurl fingers 

• Palmar grasp

Language skills 

• Recognizes familiar voices

• Cries generically

Social and play skills 

• Responds to calming actions such as rocking, singing, babywearing, or massage 

• Has short periods of wakefulness 

• Follows parents with eyes

Cognitive skills 

• Assumes that expressions of distress will be followed by comfort 

• Begins to develop trust 

• Fusses if needs are not met quickly enough 

• Reacts to sounds 

• Realizes that cues generate predictable responses

2–4 months

Gross motor skills 

• Lifts head higher than bottom 

• Rolls from back to side, tummy to side 

• Bears weight on legs when held upright 

• Rests on forearms when lying on stomach 

• Lifts head and chest when lying on stomach 

• Stretches legs and kicks when lying on stomach

Fine motor skills 

• Plays with hands in front of face 

• Holds onto the hair and clothes of anyone nearby 

• Holds rattle 

• Bats at dangling objects with hands

Language skills 

• Makes a variety of sounds—single vowel sounds and screeches 

• Coos, squeals, and gurgles 

• Says “ooh-ooh” and “aah-aah”

• Cries according to need

• Communicates through body movements—waving arms and legs and opening up hands 

Social and play skills 

• Smiles and shows emotions—happiness and sadness 

• Laughs Blows bubbles

• Self-calms by sucking on hands

• Loves human faces, maintains eye contact, and mimics facial gestures

Cognitive skills 

• Recognizes cause and effect 

• Realizes actions cause others to react—a smile generates a smile in return 

• Turns head toward sound made at ear level 

• Shows boredom by crying or fussing if there are no changes in activity 

• Realizes that objects have names

4–6 months 

Gross motor skills 

• Sits when assisted or propped with pillows (supervision required) 

• Holds head up 90 degrees when lying on stomach 

• Pushes up on hands when lying on stomach 

• Controls head well when held 

• Sits leaning forward on hands—tripod stance 

• Rolls both front-to-back and back-to-front 

• Assumes pre-crawl position with head and part of tummy raised

Fine motor skills 

• Reaches accurately with one hand 

• Predetermines hand position needed to grasp specific objects 

• Points to objects 

• Holds small objects in palm of hand 

• Transfers objects from hand to mouth

Language skills 

• Gets attention by babbling 

• Uses different sounds for different needs 

• Mimics sounds, inflections, gestures

• Social and play skills Raises hands for “pick me up!” 

• Anticipates food on sight 

• Shows interest in colors 

• Makes “raspberry” sounds 

• Smiles and vocalizes to mirror 

• Mimics facial movements

Cognitive skills 

• Learns which sounds and actions are most likely to get a desired response 

• Follows moving objects with eyes

6–8 months 

Gross motor skills 

• Sits unsupported 

• Begins pre-crawling: lifting knees off floor, scooching, wiggling 

• Stretches to reach objects beyond arm’s length

Fine motor skills 

• Uses hands to “rake” small objects 

• Transfers objects from hand to hand

Language skills 

• Puts vowels and consonants together 

• Uses tongue to change sound 

Social and play skills 

• Responds to name 

• Plays peek-a-boo

Cognitive skills 

• Looks to floor when toys are dropped 

• Locates partially hidden objects 

• Explores visually and by putting objects in mouth

8–10 months 

Gross motor skills 

• Sits unsupported 

• Crawls on hands and knees 

• Pulls up to stand, while leaning on furniture for support

Fine motor skills 

• Picks up tiny objects with thumb and forefinger—pincer grasp 

• Bangs objects on table 

• Feeds self (though messily) 

• Drinks from a cup (to practice, give a few sips of water in a plastic, non-sippy cup)

Language skills 

• Continues building new sound combinations 

• Uses tongue to change sound

Social and play skills 

• Shows separation anxiety 

• Learns speech sounds by focusing on others’ mouths

Cognitive skills 

• Recognizes spatial relationships—in and out, nesting objects 

• Puts mental images and labels together (“dog”) 

• Explores visually and by putting objects in mouth

10–12 months 

Gross motor skills 

• “Cross-crawls”—moves arm and opposite leg simultaneously 

• Moves easily from crawling position to sitting 

• Sits for long periods 

• Crawls up stairs (but not down) 

• Walks while holding onto furniture 

• Takes first solo steps

Fine motor skills 

• Points with index finger 

• Stacks blocks 

• Turns pages of a book

Language skills 

• Says “mama” and “dada” (now accurately identifying each parent) 

• Understands “no” 

• Tries to imitate animal sounds

Social and play skills 

• Waves bye-bye 

• Shows stranger anxiety

Cognitive skills 

• Has sense of object permanence, that things out of sight still exist 

• Can find hidden toys under a blanket 

• Develops depth perception

• Responds to simple requests

Remember that every child develops at there own pace. At each Doctor visit they will assess the Child's  growth over time to ensure that they are developing well physically, mentally, and behaviorally.

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Divorce and how to survive it Season 1 Episode 14

Divorce and How to Survive it.

I discuss divorce and how to get through the pain of divorce. How to help your children and family move forward and make a successful new life.

Children: They are your number one priority.

Be consistent

• Let go of the anger

• Never ever talk poorly about your ex in front of your children

• Children need there fathers and there mothers: do not deny your children thier parent unless there is abuse

• Don’t have your children assume the surrogate spouse role

• Children can blame themselves for the divorce

Grieving Processes

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, finding meaning

David Kessler has recently documented a sixth stage, which is finding meaning. It's learning to remember those who have died with more love than pain and learning to move forward in a way that honors our loved ones.

Journal your feelings

The Best Revenge: being the nicest, kindness ex there ever was.

The angrier you are at your ex the more they feel justified in their reason for the divorce. If you are thinking about them and how they hurt you: guess who is still controlling your life?

Extended Family

• How does this affect your siblings?

• How does this affect your parents?

• How does this affect your former in laws?

Dating

• Parents don’t become like teenagers

• Don't date in front of your children

• Don’t repeat same patterns with new partner

• You are not ready for at least a year

• Beware of serial daters

After divorce

• You are now part of a business transaction forever (if you have children)

• A clean break is much harder than it sounds. You have to deal with tax documents, car registrations, changing your name, and putting your new name on everything (you may choose not to, but there might be times that affects your credit) 

• It can be a big relief

• You can feel sorry for your spouse

•  Look at why you and your first spouse divorced and make changes in yourself that can move you forward in life and closer to your Heavenly Father. 

• Loose some friends and gain some new friends

• More time to yourself but it can be lonely

• Miss your children

• Two sets of everything for your children

• Financial strain

• Co-parenting forever

• Your health

Remember you can survive this.

• Keep close to your Father in Heaven

• Use the Lords atonement to work through your pain and anger

• Think of the positive things you can do to make yourself a better person

• Love your children

• When you are alone and your children are with your ex: take time to work on yourself and your goals and nurture yourself.

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Divorce: Bury your weapons of war Season 1 Episode 13

Divorce: Bury your weapons of war

Discusses divorce: The issues, statistics, and how it affects us.

Alma 17:14 And assuredly it was great, for they had undertaken to preach the word of God to a wild and a hardened and a ferocious people; a people who delighted in murdering the Nephites, and robbing and plundering them; and their hearts were set upon riches, or upon gold and silver, and precious stones; yet they sought to obtain these things by murdering and plundering, that they might not labor for them with their own hands.

Write down your weapons of war and bury them in the earth.

““There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce.  I am not one to say that it is never justified.  But I say without hesitation that this plague among us which seems to be growing everywhere is not of god, but rather the work of the adversary of righteousness and peace ad truth””

— President Gordon B. Hinckley

Reasons I have seen for divorce

• Affairs/infidelity (sexual or emotional)

• Abuse

• Apostasy

• Addiction

• Porn:eventually if not taken care of

• Lying: chronically 

• abandonment

• Some have withheld commitment and flee at the first serious challenge

• But all of these have one thing in common which is the main reason people divorce:  Selfishness and our society breaths it.

““Nurture and cultivate your marriage.  Guard it and work to keep it solid and beautiful.  Divorce is becoming so common, even rampant,… It is happening, I regret to say.  Marriage is a contract, it is a compact, it is a union between a man and a woman under the plan of the Almighty.  It can be fragile.  It requires nurture and very much effort.  I regret to acknowledge that some husbands are abusive, some are unkind, some are thoughtless, some are evil.  They indulge in pornography and bring about situations which destroy them, destroy their families and destroy the most sacred of all relationships.  I pity the man who at one time looked into the eyes of a beautiful young woman and held her hand across the altar in the house of the Lord as they made sacred and everlasting promises one to another, but who, lacking in self-discipline, fails to cultivate his better nature, sinks to coarseness and evil, and destroys the relationship which the Lord has provided for him.””

— Pres. Gordan B. Hinkley Nov. 1998 Ensign Walking in the light of the Lord, about divorce

Satan seeks to destroy marriage, don’t let him win.

“If you expect me to iron all the clothes it won’t be done but if you love me it will get done because I love you.”

Matt. 19: 9-11 “whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.  His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is no good to marry (meaning divorce not based on infidelity).  But he said unto them, all men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.”  

“We can understand better why the Lord said what he did about divorce by examine the context in which he spoke. In the social system of Jesus’ time, apparently some men and women were divorcing their spouses with impunity for relatively insignificant reasons. Whereas in a higher law a marriage to which Jesus referred, men and women are equally responsible for the strength of dissolution of their union. Unfortunately, some persons do live in unbearably difficult marital circumstances, suffering as victims of spouse abuse, substance abuse, promiscuity, and other evils that are sometimes addressed through divorce as the last resort. ”

— Jonathan M. Chamberlain 'What is the meaning of Luke 16:18'

“ “permits his agents to exercise the poser to loose as well as the power to bind.””

— Bruce R McConkie, mormon doctrine.  

“ “In the light of scripture, ancient and modern, we are justified in concluding that Christ’s ideal pertaining to marriage is the unbroken home, and conditions that cause divorce are violations of the divine teachings…. There may be circumstances which make the continuance of the marriage stay a greater evil than divorce.””

— Pres. David o mcKay

Women in Divorce

• According to Unger and Crawford they estimate the women’s economic status declines anywhere from 30-70- percent when they divorce. So many stay in an abusive relationship for financial reasons. 

• Women’s unpaid labor in a divorce is not part of the economic value at the time of divorce.  Depending on what state you live in the laws regarding divorce vary.   

• Women usually keep their status in church. 

• Often women remain in the home (if it is financially feasible or they sell the home and split equity if there is any).  

• Women generally have to seek out employment. 

• If they were stay at home moms and took care of the children, generally they have let their skills lapse or they do not have the education to have higher payed jobs to support their children. 

• They can go to school and improve those circumstances but financially it may be difficult.  

Men and divorce 

• Men generally stay at the same financial status. 

• But they see little of their children. 

• There standing in the church changes: example they no longer have the family sitting with them in church anymore. 

• Sometimes they are released from a calling: ex: Bishop. 

• Generally they have to live somewhere else than their home.  

For both

• When women come in for marital counseling with their spouse and they say they are done:  The chances of changing their minds is very slim.

• When men come in for marital counseling with their spouse and they say they are done: they can often work through the issues and stay married.

• Woman usually get physical custody while men get joint custody with visitation rights.

• the family structure, Both spouses are not with the children full time anymore (both parties now have to work to support the family) , life style is changed, emotionally you struggle for at least a year after the divorce. You are plagued with guilt, rejection, and  feelings of failure.  Dating may start and you have to carefully navigate your children through that.  

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christainsen

5 Love languages Season 1 Episode 12

5 Love languages

I discuss the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman

5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Kindness

5. Physical Touch

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Words of Affirmation

• Kind words

• words are important

• Written words

• give complements

• love letter

• Tell your child

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Quality Time

• Focus on your spouse

• Have quality conversations

• Eye contact

• Don't listen and do something at the same time

• Listen for there feelings

• Body language

• Don't interrupt them

• find out what they like to do with you

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Receiving Gifts

• A gift doesn’t always mean spending money

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Acts of Kindness

• Do something for your spouse

• Honey do list

• little things help a lot

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Physical Touch

• Doesn't mean sex

• hold hands

• rub back

• hug

• kisses

• snuggling/cuddling

• nonsexual touch

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

How thoughts shape our lives and relationships Season 1 Episode 11

How thoughts shape our lives and relationships

I have a returning guest for this episode, my husband named Jeff. We discussed how our thoughts influence our feelings which influence our actions.

““As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of a man springs from the hidden seeds of thought, and could not have appeared without them. This applies equally to those acts called ‘spontaneous’ and ‘unpremeditated’ as to those which are deliberately executed. … “In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. … Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master. … Man is the master of thought, the molder of character, and the maker and sharper of condition, environment, and destiny”

“Let a man radically alter his thoughts, and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life. Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance””

— James Allen (As a Man Thinketh)

Twisted Thinking

1. Negatively labeling yourself

2. Discounting the positives

3. Minimization

4. Demandiosity

5. Black and white thinking

6. Blaming

7. Awfulizing

8. Jumping to conclusions

9. Magnification

10. Emotional Reasoning

11. Low frustration tolerance

12. Needing Approval

13. Myth of helplessness

14. Perfectionism

Negative Thoughts

Labling Yourself

Discounting the Positives

Magnification

Black and White Thinking

“Around the Church I hear many who struggle with this issue: “I am just not good enough.” “I fall so far short.” “I will never measure up.” I hear this from teenagers. I hear it from missionaries. I hear it from new converts. I hear it from lifelong members. One insightful Latter-day Saint, Sister Darla Isackson, has observed that Satan has somehow managed to make covenants and commandments seem like curses and condemnations. For some he has turned the ideals and inspiration of the gospel into self-loathing and misery-making.”

— Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

There has only been one perfect person that walked this earth

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Emotional intimacy vs Physical intimacy Season 1 Episode 10

Emotional intimacy vs Physical intimacy

Discussion on emotional intimacy and how it enhances your relationship and creates a better bond between husband and wife. Great physical intimacy comes from great emotional intimacy. I do talk about physical intimacy and why it is important and how to be satisfied.

“Deep intimacy requires a high level of transparency and openness. This involves a degree of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable or anxiety-producing to many of us. These feelings do, however, tend to diminish and even dissolve over time and with practice.

Couples who engage in this level of connectivity enjoy a sense of being at peace within themselves and with each other. They are willing to share their worst failures and mistakes, their most embarrassing moments, their feelings of inadequacy, their dark shadow side as well as their loftiest dreams, visions and hopes for their lives. They are also likely to more freely express gratitude and appreciation towards each other. All this adds up to a formula for enhanced emotional well-being, and physical health as well. There are, of course, bumps along the road, even in the best of relationships. That’s part of the package. Seeing the bumps as inevitable makes it a lot easier for us to not take things too personally, which makes it easier to communicate non-defensively with each other. And that makes all the difference in the world!”

— Psychology today

Some questions you can answer to know if you are emotionally intimate

1. Do you feel extremely secure emotionally and physically?

2. Do you share your deepest concerns and pain with your spouse?

3. Are you excepting of your spouse?  All of them? 

4. Do you know all their good bad and the ugly?

5. Do you know what makes you spouse feel loved?

6. Do you have pillow talk? Small talk? Share your deepest feelings?

7. Do you feel they have your back?

8. Are you there for them and are they there for you?

9. Do you have NO secrets

10. Do you spend time together?

11. Do you have non sexual touch: hugging, kissing and hold each other ever?

“My suggestions use three action verbs: to appreciate, to communicate, and to contemplate

To appreciate—to say “I love you” and “thank you”—is not difficult. But these expressions of love and appreciation do more than acknowledge a kind thought or deed. They are signs of sweet civility. As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments.

Suggestion number two—to communicate well with your spouse—is also important. Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate—helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture their spiritual as well as physical intimacy. They should strive to elevate and motivate each other. Marital unity is sustained when goals are mutually understood. Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.

My third suggestion is to contemplate. This word has deep meaning. It comes from Latin roots: con, meaning “with,” and templum, meaning “a space or place to meditate.” It is the root from which the word temple comes. If couples contemplate often—with each other in the temple—sacred covenants will be better remembered and kept. Frequent participation in temple service and regular family scripture study nourish a marriage and strengthen faith within a family. Contemplation allows one to anticipate and to resonate (or be in tune) with each other and with the Lord. Contemplation will nurture both a marriage and God’s kingdom. The Master said, “Seek not the things of this world but seek ye first to build up the kingdom of God, and to establish his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”  I invite each marital partner to consider these suggestions and then determine specific goals to nurture your own relationship. Begin with sincere desire. Identify those actions needed to bless your spiritual unity and purpose. Above all, do not be selfish! Generate a spirit of selflessness and generosity. Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven.”

— President Nelson April 2006 conference

Physical intimacy

1. emotional intimacy

2. Sexual abuse in the past

3. Pornography (masturbation) and/or infidelity

4. Lack of knowledge

“ …only 29% of women reported (in a study at the university of Chicago with 3342 participants) always having orgasms during sex, compared to 75 % of men, the percentage of women and men who find their sex life “extremely” physically and emotionally satisfying is about the same 40%.”

— Neil Clark Warren, PhD

““sex was created and established by our Heavenly Father for sacred, holy and High purposes. ”

— Pres. Ezra Taft Benson

“Sexual intimacy in not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman—-the uniting of their very souls—-but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and Deity. Between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe is ours.

In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol.  Sexual union is also, in its own profound way, a very real sacrament of the highest order, a union not only of a man and a woman but very much the union of that man and woman with God.  Indeed, if our definition of sacrament is that act of claiming and sharing and exercising God’s own inestimable power, than I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all—women or men, ordained or ordained, Latter-day Saint than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation.”

— Elder Jefferey Holland in is address to BYU “Souls, symbols and the sacrament’

““As you know, the subject set out in your letter is of a highly personal nature and one for which the First Presidency has not provided detailed response. The Brethren have counseled those who conduct worthiness interviews to avoid explicit questioning beyond the scope of what is contained in the temple recommend book. Persons who have been through the temple are aware of the responsibility to keep their thoughts and actions pure and, furthermore, have been counseled to avoid any unholy, unnatural, or impure practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him or her enough to ask about it, he or she should discontinue it. With this in mind you can, through your personal supplication to our Father in Heaven, receive the guidance you may feel you need.” The letter is signed “Michael Watson”.

”

— Michael Watson

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Challenges in Marriage: How do I deal with this! Season 1 Episode 9

Challenges in Marriage: How do I deal with this!

Discuss the many challenges that occur in marriage and how to get through them.

““And who overcome by faith, and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true” (vv. 50–53).  The Holy Spirit of Promise is the ratifying power of the Holy Ghost. When sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, an ordinance, vow, or covenant is binding on earth and in heaven. (See D&C 132:7.) Receiving this “stamp of approval” from the Holy Ghost is the result of faithfulness, integrity, and steadfastness in honoring gospel covenants “in [the] process of time” (Moses 7:21). However, this sealing can be forfeited through unrighteousness and transgression. Purifying and sealing by the Holy Spirit of Promise constitute the culminating steps in the process of being born again.””

— Elder David A. Bednar states in the April 2007 conference

““Eternal marriage is a principle which was established before the foundation of the world and was instituted on this earth before death came into it. Adam and Eve were given to each other by God in the Garden of Eden before the Fall.””

— Elder F. Burton Howard Of the Seventy in the may 2003 Liahona

“Husbands and wives can work through challenges if they view their marriage as a covenant. Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

— Elder Bruce C. Hafen

“The “Wolf” of Natural Adversity Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves. The first wolf is natural adversity. After asking God for years to give them a first child, David and Fran had a baby with a serious heart defect. Following a three-week struggle, they buried their newborn son. Like Adam and Eve before them, they mourned together, brokenhearted, in faith before the Lord.

The “Wolf” of Personal Imperfections  Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them. One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth. He first complained about her cooking and housecleaning, and then about how she used her time, how she talked, looked, and reasoned. Eventually she felt utterly inept and dysfunctional. My heart ached for her, and for him.  Contrast her with a young woman who had little self-confidence when she first married. Then her husband found so much to praise in her that she gradually began to believe she was a good person and that her opinions mattered. His belief in her rekindled her innate self-worth.

The “Wolf” of Excessive Individualism  The third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes. ”

— Elder Bruce C. Hafen

“Every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or the other or both parties to a marriage contract.   Someone is thinking of self comforts, conveniences, freedoms, luxuries, or ease. Sometimes the ceaseless pin pricking of an unhappy, discontented, and selfish spouse can finally add up to serious physical violence.  Sometimes people are goaded to the point where they erringly feel justified in doing the things that are so wrong.  Nothing of course justifies sin.”

— President Spencer W. Kimball

“Each day, figure out how you can make your spouse feel happy that they’re alive and married to you”

— Dr. Laura

D&C 131:1-3, and 132: 18-19 “A temple officiator who has the sealing power of the priesthood invokes covenants to be effective for time and for all eternity.  Celestial marriage involves a ceremony performed in a holy temple”.

Covenant:

“to be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth (Gen. 1:28) A primary purpose of temple marriage in this life is to grow mature in sharing God’s creative work in raising a family in righteousness. Parents enter into partnership with God by participating in the procreation of mortal bodies which house the spirit children of God”

D&C 88:4; Moses 6:59 “Husbands and wives will receive eternal life in the world to come, the glory of the celestial kingdom”

D&C 132:19 “They shall become Gods with all power and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers”

D&C 131:1-4 “They shall obtain exaltation in the highest degree of the celestial glory”

D&C 132:48-50 “They will come to know God the Father and Jesus Christ”

Hireling:

A hireling is a person employed to undertake menial work (such as to watch a flock)

John 10:12-13 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and a leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep. The a hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.

“Many people today think of marriage as an informal arrangement between two hirelings. When a hireling feels threatened by some wolf of trouble, he or she simply flees. Why should a mere hireling risk comfort or convenience, let alone life?

But when we offer in our marriage a broken heart and a contrite spirit in similitude of the Good Shepherd, we promise to give our lives for the sheep of our covenant, a day or even an hour at a time. This process invites us to take selflessly upon ourselves both the afflictions and the joys of our companion and children, emulating in our own limited way how the Savior takes upon Himself our afflictions. “Be you afflicted in all his afflictions” (D&C 30:6), said the Lord to Peter Whitmer about his missionary companion Oliver Cowdery. Isaiah echoed that phrase in describing Christ and those He redeems: “In all their affliction he was afflicted, … and he … carried them all the days of old” (Isaiah 63:9; see also D&C 133:53).  A temple worker whose wife passed away after she had suffered a debilitating illness for several years told me, “I thought I knew what love was—we’d had over 50 blessed years together. But only in trying to care for her in these last few years did I discover what love really is.”  By sharing in his wife’s afflictions, this man discovered deep wellsprings of compassion in his heart that a hireling will never know. The accumulation of such discoveries produces the sanctifying process of becoming like the Good Shepherd—by living and giving as He does. Not incidentally, that kind of living breathes irreplaceable strength into the social interests of our culture”

— Elder Bruce Hafen

“Spiritual growth comes by solving problems together, not by running from them”

— Ezra taft Benson

““If there is any one thing that will bring peace and contentment into the human heart, and into the family, it is to live within our means. And if there is any one thing that is grinding and discouraging and disheartening, it is to have debts and obligations that one cannot meet.””

— Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Heber J. Grant (2002), 122.

““husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.””

— The family proclamation

““Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come.””

— President Nelson in 2008 October conference

“““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Unity and Love in Marriage Season 1 Episode 8

Unity and Love in marriage

I discuss how to be unified in our marriage and the different types of love and how they can help unify us.

“ “at the creation of man and woman , unity for them in marriage was not given as hope: it was a command!.. Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together.  That union in love is not simply an ideal, it is a necessity?””

— Elder Henry Eyering conf 1998

Mosiah 18:21 “ And he commanded them that there should be not contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another”

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a  man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”.

Lee’s love theory

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Mania: Obsessive love

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Pragma: practical love

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Ludus: game playing love in which a person sees love as a game of skill and strategy

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Eros: Erotic love, or love that is based primarily on physical attraction and a strong sense of passion toward the love object

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Storage: stable love, typically deep and long term, in which the relationship is based on strong friendship and mutual respect

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Agape: selfless love

Christ-like love

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““Friendship is…a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage.  A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.  Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality””

— Elder Jensen

What are some qualities of a friendship:

1. Respectful

2. Loyal

3. Never judges

4. Accepting

5. Trustworthy

6. Honesty but not brutality

7. Encouraging

8. Generosity

9. Humor

10. Enjoy doing the same things

11. Brings out the best in the other person

12. Has your back

13. You can talk about personal things without judgement

14. Dependable

15. Celebrates your success

16. You have fun together and many more things

• Have fun together

• Treat each other as equals

• Cultivate love

• Nurture the relationship

• Have compassion

• Forgive one another

“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—-we can only love others as much as we love ourselves”

— Brene Brown

D&C 42:22 Those who are married should consider their union as their most cherished earthly relationship. A spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom we have been commanded to love with all our heart

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.  Without them humanity can not survive”

— the Dalai Lama

Mosiah 18:21 So “knit together in unity and in love one towards another”

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

The Do's and Don’ts of Marriage (With Special Guest) Season 1 Episode 7

The Do’s and Don’ts of Marriage (with special guest)

This week I have my husband Jeff with me. We are discussing the things to do and not to do in marriage. It’s a fun episode.

““Insanity: is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results””

— Albert Einstein

Don’ts

1. Don’t:  stay in the same old pattern of interacting in your marriage

2. Don’t: Be right in all you do and do not be humble

3. Don’t:  Let yourself go to the place of not caring about your spouse

4. Don’t think that you are entitled to all the responsibilities and loving actions of your spouse

5. Don’t: make your career, hobbies, interests more important than spending time with your spouse or family

6. Don’t: make your needs a priority

7. Don’t: Make things a priority in your life: house, car, boat, money money money

8. Don’t: insist on your opinion or way of looking at things as the only way

9. Don’t: imagine your going to change your spouse by complaining, hating, punishing, demeaning, threatening or manipulation

10. Don’t: think for a moment that you aren’t annoying too!!!

11. Don’t: discuss negative things about your spouse with others, especially not to entertain your friends

12. Don’t: Let your family or friends determine or influence what happens in your home and marital relationship

13. Don’t: speak out of anger

14. Don’t let your interactions and time together be all about children and when the children all leave the house you don’t know each other.

Do’s

1. Do make changes, not try, but actually make and stay with more positive behaviors

2. Do: Acknowledge your mistakes. There are difficulties, discomfort, and embarrassment involved in doing so but by developing new patterns of actions and reactions it becomes worth it.  

3. Do: make your spouse feel cared about, special, important, valued, admired, loved, and appreciated.

4. Do behave as though every mundane gesture of your beloved is direct gift from Heaven

5. Do: make time to cultivate your relationship with your spouse. 

6. Do: make there needs a priority and yours will start to be filled

7. Do: Stay out of debt:  don’t let possessions possess you and bring turmoil and blame.  

8. Do check with your spouse about what they think and how they feel about it.  Use the combined wisdom of both of you

9. Do: Know that you can change your view of your spouse and your marriage by finding something each day about your spouse that brings you pleasure, pride and or gratitude.

10. Do: acknowledge to yourself and to them that you both brought a lot of baggage into the marriage to unpack and that you promise to be more aware and considerate of your impact on them.

11. Do: take every opportunity you can to build up your spouse in your mind by relating wonderful, and positive stories.

12. Do: have the courage to have your own opinions as a couple and be able to make your own joint decisions. 

13. Do remind yourself that you love your spouse just before you express yourself

14. Do: get to know each other everyday

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinkers in his heart, so is he.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it”

D&C 46: 26 “and all these gifts come from God, for the benefit of the children of God”

Love Alert

Love Alert

Love Alert

Gratitude is underused in marriages

• Give gratitude everyday

• Gratitude changes our thought patterns and brings us more joy

Communication is not just about complaints

Get  Talking:  101 conversation starters

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

How can I get through this: Depression, Anxiety, and feelings of Loneliness Season 1 Episode 6

How can I get through this: depression, anxiety, and feelings of loneliness

I discuss the issues of being isolated, depression, anxiety, panic disorder and ways we can overcome them.

“Mental health challenges can impact anyone, regardless of education, geography, faith, calling or family.  They are nothing to be ashamed of and should be met with love.  ”

— church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints websight

Anxiety

Loneliness

Depression

“Depression alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love , joy and any of the fruits of the spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the church.  This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge.”

— Ensign article February 2016

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Fight

Or

Flight

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There has only been one perfect person that walked this earth

What to do:

1. Acknowledge the problem

2. Positive thought process

3. Disengage from unhelpful thinking

4. Accept that at times you will feel discomfort

Negative Thoughts

Negative thought pathway

Labling Yourself

Discounting the Positives

Black and White Thinking

Magnification

Twisted Thinking

• Negatively labeling yourself

• Discounting the positives

• Minimization

• Demandiosity

• Black and white thinking

• Blaming

• Awfulizing

• Jumping to conclusions

• Magnification

• Emotional Reasoning

• Low frustration tolerance

If you need more help: get professional help:  get in touch with a therapist, your doctor and/or friend that has experienced mental health.  

Other things to do

• Exercise

• Meditation

• Eat healthy

• Vitamins: D3, B’s, calcium,  multi, and magnesium 

• Get sleep

• Write down 3-5 positive things about you everyday

• Show gratitude: make a gratitude journal

• Love yourself

Matt 22:37–39 “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.“This is the first and great commandment.“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”

““Our Father knows that when we are surrounded by uncertainty and fear, what will help us the very most is to hear His Son.””

— Russell M. Nelson

““My dear friends, our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ know us, love us, and are watching over us. Of that we can be certain.  These unique challenges will pass in due time. I remain optimistic for the future. I know the great and marvelous blessings that God has in store for those who love Him and serve Him. I see evidence of His hand in this holy work in so many ways.  So, during these uncertain times, be comforted by this promise from the Savior. He said, “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say.” I promise you that joy is always within the reach of everyone who will hear Him and obey His laws.  I love you. I pray for you. And I promise that you will receive comfort and peace as you continue to hear Him.””

— Russell M. Nelson

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen

Vulcan the God of Volcanos Season 1 Episode 5

Vulcan the God of Volcano’s

A discussion on anger and like a volcano can ruin everything around us. I also discuss the stages of anger, different types of anger and ways to handle anger. I also teach relaxation exercises to help you reduce your stress and anger. I hope you enjoy.

Anger cycle

1. Pretends to be normal phase: life runs smoothly but anger lurks beneath the surface, affecting the way the person lives and acts

2. Build up phase: person focuses on the distorted thinking

3. Acting out phase

4. Downward spiral phase: person feels guilt and defenses are built

““Temper/anger is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love”  “ who can calculate the wounds inflicted, their depth and pain, by harsh and mean words spoken in anger?””

— President Gordon B. Hinckley

Anger is inappropriately handled in 3 ways

1. Aggression: physical violence, emotional and verbal abuse, control and domination

2. Internalization: directed toward self

3. Passive-aggressive behavior: anger expressed indirectly through rather than directly aggressive

Causes of Anger

1. Distorted perceptions

2. Dwell on the negative

3. Threat

4. Injustice

5. Mistreatment

Overcoming our Anger

1. Know your cues

2. Pray about it more than talk about it (the anger provoking incident)

3. Resolve underlying problems

4. Take responsibility for your anger

5. Take ownership of your anger

6. Take responsibility for your own anger and not blame someone else

7. Ask yourself: why am I angry?  Is it pride, for gain or another action?

8. Defuse anger-provoking thoughts

9. Keep an anger Log

10. Learn relaxation exercises

““every marriage goes through moments of anger and temporary failures.  But you must determine your goal.  What matters most: winning arguments or resembling Christ””

— Francis Chan

““the peace of God passeth all understanding:”

— Apostle Paul

Philippians 4:6-7  “ ..but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

““Mankind should have been my business!” ”

— Christmas Carole: Jacob Marley

“ “Our family, friends and foes should be our business” “our business of Love””

— Dru Christiansen

““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””

— Dru Christiansen