How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine
Discuss things we can do as parents when our children are tough to love and are acting out.
a teenager
Between the age of 13-19, but that adolescent behavior can swing a couple of years either way.
They have times of high intensities of consistent stress or times of great sadness. Their hormones are raging at this point. They want to be independent but dependent at the same time. I want my parents to take care of me yet I want to have all my independence.
The 3 F’s: Freedom, fun and friends
Give them some independence
Find fun things to do as a family and include there friends
Have their friends over to your house
your child or family maybe the influence other children need
Don’t be afraid of non members. Embrace them, have them over, have them part of your family.
Agency
Giving them agency does not mean that you don’t have consequences.
Don’t rescue them
What age do you transfer that responsibility?
From the time they are little you start slowly, so you give them more and more responsibility as they age
Being a part of a family is helping your children see things around your home that need to be done and doing them.
Be in the world but not of the world
Myths
If my child chooses behavior I don’t approve of, it must mean I’ve failed as a parent.
If my child is less than perfect, people in my church and family will look down on me.
If my child doesn’t do as well as my friends children, I’ll look bad and be embarrassed.
Ask yourself
Why am I fearful?
Why do I feel guilty?
Why do I feel responsible?
What am I telling myself that makes me feel like this?
If it true or logical?
How am I responsible for my grown child’s choices?
““life is a gift you as parents give to your children. What children do with it is there gift to you””
““I will not help you self-destruct or help you one inch to hell, but I will help you live up to your potential””
Don’t
Don’t become toxic like your child
Don’t yell back
Don’t argue
Be the adult talk rationally
Never abuse: emotionally, physically or in any other way
Don’t criticize
Don’t deny your child a reasonable request just to establish authority
Three ways children learn: S.H.E.
S= what they see
H= what they hear
E= what they experience
Consequences
Natural consequences
Imposed consequences
Let’s Separate Love and Trust so they learn a difference between the two:
Have a love program: I love you no matter what, unconditional
Have a trust program: I still love you but I may not trust you
Leadership in the home does not mean war
Don’t make every encounter a war, just because you want to win the war!
Is this the mountain you want to die on?
Pick your battles
Objective in Parenting
Help teach them
Love them
Set an example for them
“You love them, let the Savior teach them”
Emotionally healthy teen
Accepts responsibility for their happiness and their unhappiness by their behavior
Able to forgive themselves and others
Able to make a plan from where they are at to a higher healthier place
Emotionally healthy parent
Does not enable the child because of their fear, doubts and feelings of inadequacy
Don’t let your need to be needed to be greater than having emotionally healthy children
Able to forgive self and others
Knows the love- trust plan
““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””