Parenting: gather to a house of refuge
Discuss how to make your home a place of refuge. I talk about guilt and shame and how it affects our lives and our children’s lives. How to better parents.
3 Nephi 3:12-26
12. Now behold, this Lachoneus, the governor, was a just man, and could not be frightened by the demands and the threatenings of a robber; therefore he did not hearken to the epistle of Giddianhi, the governor of the robbers, but he did cause that his people should cry unto the Lord for strength against the time that the robbers should come down against them.
13. Yea, he sent a proclamation among all the people, that they should gather together their women, and their children, their flocks and their herds, and all their substance, save it were their land, unto one place.
14. And he caused that fortifications should be built round about them, and the strength thereof should be exceedingly great. And he caused that armies, both of the Nephites and of the Lamanites, or of all them who were numbered among the Nephites, should be placed as guards round about to watch them, and to guard them from the robbers day and night.
15. Yea, he said unto them: As the Lord liveth, except ye repent of all your iniquities, and cry unto the Lord, ye will in nowise be delivered out of the hands of those Gadianton robbers.
16. And so great and marvelous were the words and prophecies of Lachoneus that they did cause fear to come upon all the people; and they did exert themselves in their might to do according to the words of Lachoneus.
17. And it came to pass that Lachoneus did appoint chief captains over all the armies of the Nephites, to command them at the time that the robbers should come down out of the wilderness against them.
18. Now the chiefest among all the chief captains and the great commander of all the armies of the Nephites was appointed, and his name was Gidgiddoni.
19. Now it was the custom among all the Nephites to appoint for their chief captains, (save it were in their times of wickedness) some one that had the spirit of revelation and also prophecy; therefore, this Gidgiddoni was a great prophet among them, as also was the chief judge.
20. Now the people said unto Gidgiddoni: Pray unto the Lord, and let us go up upon the mountains and into the wilderness, that we may fall upon the robbers and destroy them in their own lands.
21. But Gidgiddoni saith unto them: The Lord forbid; for if we should go up against them the Lord would deliver us into their hands; therefore we will prepare ourselves in the center of our lands, and we will gather all our armies together, and we will not go against them, but we will wait till they shall come against us; therefore as the Lord liveth, if we do this he will deliver them into our hands.
22. And it came to pass in the seventeenth year, in the latter end of the year, the proclamation of Lachoneus had gone forth throughout all the face of the land, and they had taken their horses, and their chariots, and their cattle, and all their flocks, and their herds, and their grain, and all their substance, and did march forth by thousands and by tens of thousands, until they had all gone forth to the place which had been appointed that they should gather themselves together, to defend themselves against their enemies.
23. And the land which was appointed was the land of Zarahemla, and the land which was between the land Zarahemla and the land Bountiful, yea, to the line which was between the land Bountiful and the land Desolation.
24. And there were a great many thousand people who were called Nephites, who did gather themselves together in this land. Now Lachoneus did cause that they should gather themselves together in the land southward, because of the great curse which was upon the land northward.
25. And they did fortify themselves against their enemies; and they did dwell in one land, and in one body, and they did fear the words which had been spoken by Lachoneus, insomuch that they did repent of all their sins; and they did put up their prayers unto the Lord their God, that he would deliver them in the time that their enemies should come down against them to battle.
26. And they were exceedingly sorrowful because of their enemies. And Gidgiddoni did cause that they should make weapons of war of every kind, and they should be strong with armor, and with shields, and with bucklers, after the manner of his instruction.It came to me as I was reading and pondering that we as parents need to heed this counsel in our own homes: meaning make your home a place of refuge, gather you family together as one and build fortifications for your children against the evil of the day. Make the armor of God for your children. Be the guards round about your children.
Tools
Make your house a house of refuge: a place your children feel safe from the world, a place that they can talk about all the stresses of life, and the pains that they are going through.
Help your children have self confidence.
Praise your child
Focus on their strengths
Teach them to serve
Help them to learn to do new things (at any age this is so good for them)
Keep them away from influences of social media
Help your children’s behavior with Glenn Latham’s strategy in the Power of positive parenting: 4 principles that will help behaviors in our children
Behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences
Behavior ultimately responds better to positive consequences
Whether a behavior has been punished or reinforced is known only by the course of that behavior in the future.
Behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment
Behavior vs its who we are
Teach them the difference between Guilt and Shame
What is guilt: We have done something wrong and are responsible for that behavior, therefor with the Lords atonement we must make amends. This means that guilt should be a motivator to change our behavior when we have done something wrong or sinned. I feel guilty because of something I have done, therefor I am need to repent, ask forgiveness, change my behavior and be a better person. Yes, with guilt we should have remorse for what we have done but not feel shameful. Christ died for us, we need to use his atonement to change our behavior. Rely on him and change our behavior in accordance with his sacrifice. Guilt does not mean: I hate myself, I am never going to get better, God hates me or should hate me. When we teach that guilt should be a motivator to be better our children aren’t filled with shame. Shame stops their progression and happiness.
What is Shame:The very word, “shame,” carries a relational tone: it is a feeling of humiliation, disgrace, or embarrassment.
Shame is turning guilt inward: It is a a negative evaluation of self; Feeling of being powerless and worthless. I hate myself for doing that.
“‘Childhood experiences of shame change who they are, how they think about themselves, and their sense of self worth. Given the severity of the outcomes around shame, we’ll also begin to worry the the shaming moments that happen outside our home will define our children, despite our best efforts in the family. And those experiences will happen—name calling, put-downs, and teasing are rampant in our culture of cruelty. The good news, however, is that we have a lot of influence over how much power those experiences have in our children lives. She thinks of shame and worthiness in this way: “it’s the album not the picture”. If you imagine opening up a photo album, and many of the pages are full of eight by ten photos of shaming events, you’ll close that album and walk away thinking, shame defines that story. If on the other hand, you open that album and see a few small photos of shame experiences, but each one is surrounded by pictures of worthiness, hope, struggle, resilience, courage, failure, success, and vulnerability, the shame experiences are only a part of a larger story. They don’t define us””
Help your children know the difference between guilt and shame. When they feel guilt help them learn what is motivating it and how to be motivated to change by it. Be the example!
Be a parent like your Father in Heaven
Never lie to your children
Love unconditionally
Freedom to choose
Consequences
Never criticize
Never argue
Love your children, look for the good in each one, pray to see their sweet souls as Heavenly Father sees them. Remember He loves your children more than you do and He loved them before you ever loved them.
Be good to your children
““Until next week May the light of the savior shine in your relationships and bring you joy each and every day.””